Invite Me to be Your Graduation Speaker

This is an open solicitation.

I would like to give the commencement address at your school.

Here are some reasons you should invite me:

1. I have a cap and gown that have been described as cool or sexy (click here to see a photo).
2. I look very professional and academic with my gray beard and glasses.
3. I have considerable experience listening to bad commencement addresses, so I know what not to do or say.
4. I am an award-winning professor, with considerable acting and speaking experience.
5. I promise not to cuss.
6. I will charge no fees (until the demand increases considerably)
7. I will pay my own transportation expenses, within reason
8. You have your choice of opening lines (and topics):

• "Never apply latex paint over glossy alkyd enamel," or
• "There are no refunds for losing lottery tickets."